I know that a lot of it is due to sleep - Ella has been taking progressively worse naps for the last week and also getting up increasingly earlier each morning, while I try to catch up on the sleep I've missed over the last month thanks to a wicked combination of traveling, staying up late when Bart was out of town, and pregnancy/nap-induced insomnia. And I've noticed that, if there is one thing that I am irrationally bad at dealing with, it's poor sleep, whether it's my own or my child's.
I can tell I'm on edge when the tiniest thing sends me into an emotional tailspin (I was getting a file out of our filing box yesterday and when it took me two whole seconds longer than seemed reasonable to find it, I was instantly filled with fury. Also, the day before, when Bart called me on his way home from work and asked how my day was, it's not a very good sign when you accidentally burst into tears. And then when your toddler gets down from her chair, hands you an imaginary piece of cake and asks, "You happy now, Mama?" well, that doesn't make you want to cry any less. Your heart just breaks into a million pieces instead, and you feel guilty for feeling unhappy in the first place).
I've tried to focus on doing more things that bring me pleasure the last couple of days, including:
- An evening batch of these rice crispy treats (thanks for the very excellent recommendation, Becca)
- Finishing White Collar Season 3
- An afternoon walk to the library with Ella, including a little stop at the swings on the way home
- Giving up on a book (Pure) that was doing exactly nothing for me, and reading in two days the very fantastic Wonder (recommended by everyone, everywhere).
- Staying in my pajamas until ten a.m. yesterday morning (usually, I HATE not getting ready, but yesterday, it felt very luxurious to stay in my jammies with Ella for many hours).
- Morning runs with my neighbor
- Playing Fruit Pop, which Landen introduced me to (and listening to my bookclub book while I play so I can pretend that this a productive use of my time).
- Spending an hour visiting with Ralphie, who I have hardly seen since school started again
- Putting up some Halloween decorations
Here's hoping I can rack up a few more nights of solid sleep and get back to feeling normal (also, this is why we're going fake-camping this weekend instead of real camping. I cannot handle any more lousy nights of sleep and also I have the feeling that I'd probably lose my mind putting up a tent. Much better to go up, eat some s'mores, and come back to sleep in my own bed).
And ironically, I had been thinking about a post about how one of the things I excel at as a person is being happy. I will be postponing that post until it doesn't feel like such a lie.