August 24, 2010

One Month

Darling Ella,

The day after you were born, your dad and I opted (as we had the night before) to send you to the nursery for the night so that we could get some sleep. The evening before, I was so exhausted from delivery that I was asleep before they took you away, but that night, I was wide awake when you left, and I lay in bed feeling ridiculously sad that you were gone. Half of me felt desolate, half of me laughing at myself because I could not believe I felt this way.

I never really have felt like I was much of a baby person. I mean, I like babies and all, but I was never anxious to hold someone else's baby or have even really felt particularly baby hungry.

What I am, though, is an Ella person. I love you so much more than I expected to.
I can't believe that, when you wake up in the middle of the night, I'm actually happy to see your little face with those big eyes staring up at me.
I am so surprised that it doesn't feel like a burden when I have to leave a social event to go feed you for 30 minutes or when I eat a hamburger one handed at a BBQ because I'm rocking you with the other.
What surprises me the most, though, is that I still feel just like me. I really was worried that it would fundamentally change me, somehow, to have a baby and that I'd feel like a stranger to myself. I don't; I'm still me. I just have you now.
I'm so glad you're here.



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